My Friend

One time, in order to get hearing aids that at the time cost $6000 for the cheapies, I had to apply for an employment program. It was lame at best though the counsellor was great (she left soon after as the place was obviously fucked – just a front so the fascist government could give lucrative contracts to their friends). But the first hoop was a day long of psychological testing. The psychologist had converted a carriage house sort of garage at the back of her house that was in a yuppiedom neighbourhood. She was basically unfriendly with an efficient front. How she had been picked for the work was anyone's guess. Maybe she was a friend of a friend who was a friend of the friends of the fascists. I don't know so don't sue me. So there were lots of tests. Some of the big famous ones like I think it's called MMPI. Some where you put the shapes into the board with the same shape. I'm terrible at that kind of shape shit that's on IQ tests. Otherwise my IQ would be Mensa stuff. Plus by that time, I was blind in one eye so that was a bust of a test. So after all these written tests, low and behold it gave not only a diagnosis but also an employment score – as in should they waste big dollars on hearing aides if I wasn't going to ever get a job. The never getting a job was the only thing they got right.
Now I was concerned by the end of the testing as 2 of the questions were about friends. Did I have any. I struggled with that one as I didn't think I had any or not many for sure. All my previous work friends had abandoned me like the plaque. The other question goes some thing like this. 'When you are driving alone in the car, do you ever feel like there is a friend beside you?' I knew right away that I had to tell a lie and say no. Otherwise, they may have said I was more psychotically fucked up than I am. But in reality, it's a different story. I often feel that someone is beside me when I am driving alone. And it is always the same person. It is a former woman friend whom I guess now I would say she must have been a very strong kind of 'soul mate' whatever that means. I know where she lives now – I haven't seen her in about 40 years. Maybe sometime I'll write her. She now lives in a feminist Buddhist community.
Maybe she actually is some kind soul mate (I hate the expression). However, we did spend long nights talking as she was recovering from some illness and I had hepatitis from India. And later she came to visit me and then again at a farmhouse I lived in. Then the last time I saw her was meeting her in a hotel bar in Toronto. She told me for the first time of her troubled past (not to be revealed here for sure). I don't know. Maybe that was the reason she never contacted me again. Maybe. Once I spoke to her brother to pass along a greeting – but alas she ignored it or he didn't give it to her.
Anyway, she still occasionally sits beside me in the car. I think about telling her about different things, mostly just the scenery. But I still wouldn't admit that to the psychologist. She said I tested as average. And I diagnosed as high intelligence aspergers (80% of MIT professors test this way). I pointed out that average intelligence does not explain 100% marks I got in 3 math courses at a top mathematics university, 3 university degrees and on and on. I also pointed out that I did not meet the criteria for aspergers in the DSM. So I would stick with the high intelligence part but add PTSD (which is why I even ended up in a employment program).
So I got new glasses and hearing aids from the program. The hearing aids were pieces of shit that hurt so much I never use them. I stopped going to the program once my good counsellor split. About a year later, they called me. I went in and found out the program was even more rigid. So I told them I didn't want to return. They were clearly bummed out because if they didn't get a job for me then the government didn't give them the 6 grand for the hearing aids. Can't say their loss bothered me. I think they eventually lost their funding as did most employment programs.
My friend doesn't seem to be in my car as much any more. I don't know why she doesn't but I miss her. Psychological testing or not.

Dedicated to my Friend